


Perchance To

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drama, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-15
Updated: 2008-05-15
Packaged: 2018-09-03 12:33:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8714110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Written for Springkink February 2008 on LiveJournal. Prompt: Feb 20 - Supernatural, Sam/Dean: realisation of selfishness. “Sometimes I lose myself in me.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** Disclaimer: "Supernatural" characters owned by Kripke and Co. Words are mine.

_________________________

The hunter community, though widely dispersed, nomadic, is nonetheless up on current events where others of their ilk are concerned. Stories travel fast, rumors run rampant, and certain of the more notorious among them develop reputations, some bordering on legendary.

 

One story that permeates modern hunter lore is that Dean Winchester sleeps with one eye open. Like most rumors, most legends, this one’s grounded in truth. 

 

Dean doesn’t sleep much nor soundly ever since that night when his father had slammed his infant brother into his arms, screaming _take your brother outside as fast as you can and don’t look back. Now, Dean, go!_

 

Dean Winchester has never looked back, and he’s never had a good night’s sleep since. Might as well say he really _does_ sleep with one eye open, it’s not that far off from accurate. The slightest noise, movement, rustle of leaves or soft sheets and he’s wide awake, neck snapping, eyes darting to find Sam. He sleeps so lightly that he barely even dreams anymore; Dean never allows himself to fall that deeply under. With what he’s seen, what he knows, what he’s done, and what he’s got to look forward to, the lack of R.E.M. is probably a good thing at this point. Would probably drive him crazy in time, but time’s not something Dean has to worry much about anymore.

 

He’s always thought it was because of Sam that he’s done this, his conscious mind staying so close to the surface, alert, even while in slumber. Dean knows differently now, knows it’s been utter selfishness on his part, the protectiveness. The man’s been scared shitless of life without Sam, has been ever that night he sat beside his father on the hood of the Impala, stroking Sam’s warm, bald head while he watched their house burn, Mom still inside. Then John had gone away. Too much hurt, too much loss, and that left only Sam.

 

Selfish realization hits him. He knows why he’d sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads. One way to pretty much assure that he’ll be the first to go. Dean won’t have to suffer the pain of being left behind without Sam, the agony of wondering if he’s got the strength to off himself should Sam leave him, too. It’s never been about Sam, it’s been about his own paralyzing fear of losing Sam. 

 

_How’s_ that _for an extra brick in that heavy bag of guilt you tote around, Dean Winchester?_

 

Dean ignores the taunt, settles back into his pillow, spends the rest of the night watching shadows fleetingly dance on his brother’s peaceful features. He wonders if there’s sleep in Hell, and if he’ll get to dream.

_________________________


End file.
